You've got (stupid) mail

I've done it before and I'll do it again. A rainy day is a good day to rummage through the spam folder and marvel at the bottommost percentile of internet creativity, the van-in-the-alley of online commerce. The tragedy of course, is that when only a fraction of that bottom percentile of mouse-clicking meat sacks responds to each pitch, the efforts to continue the spam are assured.

Lest you think me too harsh, keep in mind that the following are actual spam "senders" who (apparently) are getting responses:

melting solid
Safety
piwowona
sport. gulag
Could haveDate:
youneed become
You Mngr. justine
Page. sprites
diskFrom to:
Pankow.
=?iso-2022-jp?B?GyRCOWI2NhsoQg==?=
Migrant plunges
xumo
Peseta E. Habituates
Monosyllables H. Camelot

Who other than someone near the extreme left-tail of the IQ bell curve would think (even momentarily) that he was expecting an email from "diskFrom to:", or that an unsolicited message from "Migrant plunges" would concern him at all?

And imagine my disappointment when "xumo" turned out not to be from the court of the galactic emperor, but instead was pumping traffic to an online gambling site. Heck, I would've at least smirked if xumo were doing the Nigerian banking scam:

We are top official of the former galactic government of Andromeda who are interested in export of goods to your planet using funds which are presently trapped in the Small Magellanic Cloud...

Come to think of it, has anybody ever tried spamming the Scientology domain with money-transfer pitches from Xenu's former ministers? Yes, it's probably a lawsuit minefield with the litigious Sea Org, but it's also comedy gold.

To further diminish your opinion of your fellow man, a sampling of the similarly un-compelling email subject lines:

pusegotefosag
Your cash, non-natty
{stk-sub}
$B$3$s$J;~4V$K$4$a$s$J$5$$(B(*^$B!#(B^*)
Success, weld metal
TEXTS RALLYING CRY SCHOOLS
Hi, nitro-cotton
nopiguz